Gwyneth Paltrow: “I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a can”

Some days, Gwyneth Paltrow just makes me sad. She’s just so, so concerned with proving to absolutely everyone that she’s the best, most superior elitist out there, I feel like she misses out on, you know, just BEING. Just existing in the world, having fun, laughing a little. I feel like she’s always on guard, always assessing the room, always making sure that she’s not too close to the peasants, always trying, constantly TRYING to ensure that she is the absolute coolest, the best, the most special. So here’s what is making me sad today – Gwyneth was doing promotion for her book in London, and she explained her prioritization of the right kind of food:

HOLLYWOOD super chef Gwyneth Paltrow shocked viewers by telling Jonathan Ross: “I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a can” on stage this week.

The foodie, 38, was chatting about her cookbook at the Roundhouse Studios for the iTunes festival on Tuesday when she revealed she’s banned her kids from McDonald’s.

“I take them to Pizza Express because I think that’s much healthier,” she said. “Don’t tell them there are toys!”

Sidestepping questions about her hubby, Coldplay’s Chris Martin, Gwynnie, who says she can “eat any man under a table”, revealed plans to start a channel of cookery programmes on an iPhone app – but you might wanna buy some plonk before giving her recipes a go.

“I drink constantly while I’m cooking,” she says. “Wine, either colour.”

[From The Mirror]

Now, I don’t eat cheese from a can either, but I don’t sniff the air haughtily and declare that smoking crack would be a better option. You give me a choice between chicken McNuggets and a crackpipe, I’ll choose the nuggets every time, so I also don’t see that big of a difference between greasy pizza and greasy McDonalds. But hey, I’m not a Goop-level snob (yet). Just for fun, let’s make a “I Would Rather Smoke Crack Than…” list:

I Would Rather Smoke Crack Than…

1. Be friends with Goop.
2. Be married to Goop.
3. Be forced into some kind of hostage situation where Goop and I were meant to bond.
4. Listen to Goop rap NWA songs.
5. Be told how fat and peasant-y I am by Goop.
6. Share a bottle of wine with Goop.
7. Go on a juice fast that Goop recommended.
8. Work in any capacity for or with Goop.
9. Get into some kind of eating competition with Goop.
10. Be forced to spend any amount of time with Goop while my smacking hand was somehow restrained.

By the way, last year, during an interview, Gwyneth revealed that her daughter Apple had no idea what soda was. I thought this was odd, and I said so, and everyone yelled at me (which is fine). But I still think it’s weird that a kid, aged 5 or 6, wouldn’t even KNOW what soda is. If you don’t want to give your kids soda, more power to you and God bless, but to those of you who refuse to let your kids drink soda: your kids KNOW what soda is, right?

More often than not, when Gwyneth is talking about food and how she’s raising her kids, while I understand that she’s trying to pass on a legacy of healthy eating, it just feels like Gwyneth is actually passing on her food/diet/workout issues (and trust me, the bitch has issues). What’s going to happen when Apple develops some puberty puppy fat? Will Gwyneth tell her “You’re fat. What’s happening to you? I love you, get it together.” What happens when Moses wants a Coke and some crackers with canned cheese for his after-school snack? Will there be a meltdown of Goop-proportions? Also: will Gwyneth encourage her kids to do juice fasts and fad diets, like she’s recommended to her Goop-readers? Will Apple’s memoir be titled “I Ate Canned Cheese, and I Liked It”? Or “My Mother Was Too Drunk To Make The Pizzas: How I Got These Burns From Our Outdoor Oven”?

Photos courtesy of Fame & WENN.